Monday, August 17, 2009
Weddings That Work Marriages That Last
It has been a few weeks since my last post. I feel like I am either leading to confession or the 12 step program. If there was a place for planners to do this, I would be first in line. The last 2 months have been unbelievable! While we have fabulous weddings 99% of the time, there's always a handful that you can say, this one is going to have some problems later on. Since I am hired to plan and not give marital advice, it is hard when a fellow bride asks us questions that elude to "am I making the right decision". You want to tell them flat out "STAY AWAY"! "The in laws are going to wreck your marriage and they are going to have their say in your special day whether you like it or not. Or your fiance won't even let you have your favorite colors in the venue, this is a sign that he does not respect your thoughts or opinions". It isn't as easy as choosing your wedding decor, vendors, guests and walking down the aisle. I wish this were true. It's really about communication and how it works with anything you do together. If your fiance' is a momma's boy/girl at this age, you might as well assume, this isn't going to change. It may get a bit lighter, but that's a bond that will last a lifetime. You have to accept this now, or just get out. There's no compromise 100% of the way! Marriage doesn't mean people will change for the better or make things "livable". I'm sure we can all agree that there are certain habits or peeves we have with our significant others. Some we can work with and some, we cannot change. Although, many relationships feel that once the wedding is over, everything just fits into place and we live happily ever after. Sounds great right? Sorry folks, this couldn't be farther from the truth. I'm not saying by any means that you cannot have a healthy marriage. I am mearly saying that it's going to take work. Some days your not going to see eye to eye. There many be days where some one's family has overstepped their boundaries. It's up to your partner in this case to let people know what's appropriate to get involved in. Do you know that saying "don't let them into your bedroom"? Well, it's not always meant to be about sex. It means your domain. If you are having sexual issues, I am not sure mom and dad should know about this. If you are old enough to get married, you are mature enough to handle this without them. Some of us are used to sharing EVERYTHING with our families and friends. Well, marriage kind of changes those rules. It's not like when your dating and you have smaller issues that get resolved or you break it off. Once you share intimate details about your marriage with family, you can be sure if the information you are sharing is bad, you cannot go back to having your family love them unconditionally all over again. That takes time, and there's no guarantee that things will go back to where they were. We live in a very judgemental world and there are many friends and families who are protective of their children or friends. Who can blame them? We don't want anything bad to happen to the ones we love right? but where do you draw the line? Some families no matter how hard you try, will always side with their own. Just because you marry into a family doesn't mean they will treat you like your one of them. I know this holds true for those who come from broken homes in hopes that this new found family will bring them in and treat them as an equal. Set no expectations, and whatever you receive will be a gift. I have had to follow this in many instances and it's hard. You cannot expect anyone to do anything. It's just something that they'll do, in their own time. If you both go into this union making decisions together and not involving the "outer world", you may find that you are able to conquer many things later on alone. Even if you don't agree with your partner about everything they want or need, even letting them express their thoughts is respectful. I wrote an article with Cosmo last December that mentioned how I know a couple isn't going to make it to the altar or after. Communication was key. Three out of the 5 signs I used had to do with how we are able to express our thoughts etc... Are we shot down or does the other listen and then give an opinion? There was one sign about letting the groom choose the cake. It did bring up several blogs written by men who agreed, this was important to them too. Let's be honest, it may seem like a silly thing to get into an argument over, but it's a decision and it's not really all about the bride anymore. Grooms have an opinion too. We should at least listen to what they say. Such a simple request "the cake". While you get to choose just about everything. Think about it. I will leave you with this. Yes, this Summer was challenging with a few clients. Some weddings were doomed from the start. I should have walked away. Maybe that would have changed things? Or not. I guess I will never know. I do know that with every couple where I saw issues, communication was the major reason of why it wasn't going to work, and we just went downhill from there. Sad when you invest so much time along with a large sum of money and you don't get the "happily ever after" you thought would be there in the end. The in laws still did what they needed to do to be happy whether you approved it or not, people still complained about how you only thought of yourselves by not allowing them to bring the kids. Like I said, marriage can be a wonderful thing if you don't set any expectations about the day or even afterwards. Letting things go with the flow as we say, allows for a lasting marriage in most cases. While certain things that we cannot change have to be figured out first. They don't get resolved after the nuptials. Trust me...From a former bride still married with children!
I devote my time to ensuring our clients recieve fab service. There's another "calling" for me. To give back to my peers that aspire to be the next "best" fancy pants somebody! Those who play it safe standing behind me, will fail. I do serve as a warning to others and yes, I'm nutty. It's who I am & it's not going to change, as it works. Feel free to comment & join me on what could be the best road trip EVER!
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